Pendleton’s place in society was secured by virtue of good fortune – everyone else’s. For it was generally held that so long as Pendleton was there to be every con-man’s patsy and a host to misfortune, the lot of the rest of humanity was much improved. Our lives were all the safer while he was around to detect life’s banana skins and twisters.
Take Pendleton’s history with the humble hotdog. Hotdog stands being 10 cents a dozen in downtown New York and – despite the odd citation from the mayor’s health officials - providing fresh dogs straight from the griddle, Pendleton would go shopping in the kind of deli where they came from the cooler in sealed bags.
The assistant at such an emporium would likely take a stiletto to the end of the packaging and place the whole thing in the oven, perhaps going so far as to brush aside a roach or two. Turning to Pendleton, he’d accept with muttered Italianate curses the proffered haphazard nickels, dimes and cents, then offer Pendleton the hot meal in mute recompense.
Pendleton would hereon attempt that competency known principally only to the fairer sex: multi-tasking. For Pendleton would at one and the same time follow the sidewalk to the subway station and, on the move, try to open the end of the hotdog pack; the closed end.
In a split second, Pendleton would discover with horror that the dog was sliding gracefully southwards from the stiletto scar and make a grab for it. The bread wrapping would disintegrate, and Pendleton would be found crouching over a hot wiener in the region of his groin. At this point, some young lady from The Bronx would appear from around the block.
Depending on just how high-class an area of The Bronx she hailed from, she might then glance down at Pendleton’s crotch, then quickly up, and continue rather more hastily on her way. Or, and this was the more likely option, she might attract the attention of one of New York’s Finest to this molester of American motherhood and makers of apple pie.
Like I said, Pendleton made all our lives safer and oftentimes a good deal more agreeable; afterwards, in the bar.
No comments:
Post a Comment